You’re About As Much Use As

a chocolate fireguard, teapot,
or fender, an icecream sofa, a dry sea
or wet towel, glass hammer,

waterproof teabag, newspaper
raincoat or umbrella, lead parachute, ashtray kop on a motorbike,

handbrake on a canoe,
vote in a dictatorship,
loudhailer to a deaf mute,
grief at a wedding,

a condom in a monastery.
an inflatable dartboard,
a spoon in a knife-fight,
screen door on a submarine

pockets on a lettuce
tits on a fish, lolly pop van in Hell
a one-legged man in an arse
kicking competition,

this poem.

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